It is necessary to celebrate the New Year 2025 in such a way that it will be remembered for the whole year ahead! In addition, celebrating the New Year is a great stress for the human body and in order to survive it without losses, it is necessary to cheer up both yourself and your guests!
If you are the organizer of a New Year's party, we suggest including funny and cool jokes for the New Year 2024 in the script. Our selection will include a variety of jokes and anecdotes - for children, for adults, for the whole family, about January 1 and many others. Stock up on relevant New Year's jokes and amuse your friends!
Jokes about Snakes are the symbol of 2025
Funny jokes about the symbol of 2025 - Snakes:
— Sacred animals are usually not eaten.
— That’s probably why the Chinese chose the dragon.
- Wow! Where did you get such a cool knife? Antique, right? Where did you get it?
— The mother of dragons gave it to me.
- Congratulations! So where did you get the knife?
A real man is not the one who fights the dragon for you, but the one who stays with you when the dragon is you.
— I am Daenerys Stormborn of House Targaryen, the First-Called, the Unburnt, Queen of Meereen, Queen of the Andals, the Rhoynar, and the First Men, Khaleesi of the Dothraki Sea, Breaker of Chains, and Mother of Dragons.
— Hello, hello. I can't hear you, spell it out. The first D is like Dima, then spell it out.
The dragon caught a Jew, a Russian and a Ukrainian. The dragon was in a good mood and said to them:
See that rock over there, run around it, whoever gets there first will be let go.
They ran. An hour later a Russian and a Ukrainian came running, the Jew was gone.
The dragon waited a little bit and asked:
Where is that side-curled guy?
So he went home.
The Chinese came up with the Year of the Snake, the Snake Style... The Russians didn't remain in debt and on the morning of January 1st they came up with the Breath of the Snake.
- Father Tsar, the dragon is hungry!
- What does he eat?
- Innocent girls.
- It's a pity about the little animal, he'll die here...
Arguing with the admin is like butting a dragon. You've already given him a kick and poked him in the eye with a sword. You've even gotten the hang of slitting his throat, but then he got fed up and let out a sigh...
The Dragon caught the Wolf in the forest and said to him:
- Look, I'm writing this down: "Wolf, gray, one piece." Today, come to me for lunch, I'll eat you. Got it?
- Understood.
— Any questions?
- No.
The Wolf went away dejected.
The Dragon goes further through the forest. He caught the Fox.
- Look, Redhead, I'm writing this down: "Fox, red, tailed, one piece."
Come to my place for dinner today and I'll eat you. Got it?
-Understood.
— Any questions?
- No.
The Fox went, saddened. And the Dragon went on. He caught the Hare and said:
- Look, Kosoy, I'm writing this down: "Hare, gray, long ears, one piece."
Tomorrow you come to me for breakfast, I will eat you. Got it?
- Understood.
— Any questions?
- Eat.
— Ask!
— Is it possible not to come?
- Can. You-damn-ki-va-yu!
Stirlitz was walking down the street of Hanoi on New Year's Eve. Suddenly a dragon came out to meet him. "Fortunately," thought Stirlitz. "For dinner," thought the dragon.
A young man turns to an orientalist professor:
— Dear Apollinary Aristarkhovich, I ask for your daughter’s hand in marriage!
“You know, young man,” the professor answers with pathos in his voice, “I must find out the answer from the Great Snake, as the sages in the East have always done.”
- Apollinary Aristarkhovich, there is no need for that. I have already received your wife's blessing!
A three-headed dragon lies, sleeping. One of the heads opens its eye and quietly
pushes the other:
- Vasya, let's have a drink, I've been hiding half a bucket here. We didn't even have time to open the bottle,
the third head wakes up:
- Well, you'll drink together, but you'll have to vomit together again?!
New Year's jokes for the family
New Year 2025 Jokes for the Family:
Every New Year, my friends and I have a tradition of planning a New Year's Eve celebration together and then merging one by one and celebrating separately.
On New Year's Eve Vovochka made a wish:
— I want every day to be New Year!
Two months later, Vovochka retired.
— Why do Jews celebrate New Year in the fall?
— Christmas trees are cheap in autumn.
New Year.
- Hello, Mish!
- Hello, Konstantin Konstantinovich...
— Guess the riddle: He doesn’t drink, he doesn’t smoke, he’s on duty for the New Year!
- Uh... What are you hinting at?
A man wakes up on January 1st after celebrating the New Year. He gets up, shuffles to the parrot's cage, pulls off the rag. He slaps into the kitchen. He opens the refrigerator, takes out a bottle of vodka, pours a glass, and drinks it. He shuffles to the cage, covers it with a rag. He drags himself to the sofa and collapses on it. A voice from the cage:
— What a great day it was!
Today at 2 am the neighbors reminded me that the Old New Year is still going on, and at 6 am I reminded them that Tsoi is alive.
— Vovochka, did you send Santa Claus a text message with your wishes?
- Yes.
- So, did you get a response?
- Yes: there is no money in your account.
Grandfather Frost! When I wrote to you that I wanted to become world famous, I didn't mean an international search!
— What wish did you make for the New Year?
— Become more successful!
- So, you want to lie on the couch more successfully than you did this past year?
New Year's Party:
- Natasha, do you want wine or vodka?
- Guilt.
— Red or white?
- Red...
- Italian or Georgian?
- Italian...
- Dry, semi-sweet?
- Oh, come on! Give me some vodka!
Two men on the first day after the New Year holidays:
— How did you celebrate the New Year?
— I woke up first, and there was a puddle in my bed. I thought… And then it turned out that I had dragged a snow woman from the playground during the night.
From December 31 to January 7, Russians celebrate the holy week of Vdrabadan.
Childhood ends when you want your wishes to be fulfilled not by Father Frost, but by the Snow Maiden.
Few people know, but to decorate your apartment for the New Year, all you need to do is throw a firecracker into the vinaigrette!
Hello, Santa Claus!
I may have misspelled the word "Рорше" last year...
A little boy opens the door for Santa Claus. The boy from the threshold:
- Hello, Grandfather Frost! You gifts...
- Quiet, kid! Do you have a corkscrew at home?
- Hello, ambulance? Come quickly. Our dad has gone crazy. He put on a red robe, felt boots and tells everyone that he is Father Frost.
Santa Claus squeezes into another pipe.
I saw a sleeping, naked girl in the room.
"Hmm," Santa muses. "If I screw her, I'll stop being a kind, fairytale character. And if I don't screw her, how will I ever get back up?"
- Darling, I really want a fur coat for New Year... - My little hostess! Tomorrow I'll go buy beets and herring!!!
Folk wisdom: "If you see a sober Santa Claus, then most likely it is Santa Claus!"
Dear Santa Claus... I've been good
a girl all year... Hmm... Well, almost all year...
Hmm... Well sometimes... Hmm... Well a couple of times for sure
was... OH COME ON, I'LL BUY EVERYTHING MYSELF
From a letter to Santa Claus: “Hello, old fart!!!
I haven't believed in you for 2 years!!»
Sergey Pavlovich, 47 years old.
— What is complete loneliness?
- This is when you don’t get New Year’s wishes even in spam emails!
After celebrating the New Year.
- Madam, could you show me the way home?
- Can…
- How do you know where I live? Do we know each other?
- Shut up, idiot! I'm your wife!
Grandfather Frost, last New Year you came to us with some drunk girl, washed your hands in compote, ate all the food from the dog bowl, and then started throwing cabbage rolls with a shout of "Now let's have some snowballs!" I liked it... come again. Petya, 6 years old.
- So how did you celebrate the New Year?
- Yes, as a gift...
- How is that?
— I lay under the tree all night...
Funny jokes about celebrating New Year
The funniest jokes about a fun New Year's Eve 2025:
A man wakes up on January 1st after celebrating the New Year.
He stood up, dragged himself to the parrot’s cage, and pulled off the rag.
I shuffled into the kitchen.
He opened the refrigerator, took out a bottle of vodka, poured a glass, and drank it.
I dragged myself to the cage and covered it with a rag.
I dragged myself to the sofa and collapsed on it.
Voice from the cage:
— What a great day it was!
Toilets will also have a holiday,
They also have a surprise waiting for them on New Year's Eve.
And instead of boring bare butts,
They will see many new faces!
What did you give your wife for New Year?
— A trip to Thailand.
And what is she to you?
- She flew away!
At the New Year's table.
- Why do you close your eyes when you drink?
- Yes, I promised my wife that I wouldn’t look into a glass in the new year.
Well, how did you celebrate the New Year?
— It couldn't be worse! I woke up on January 3rd under the Christmas tree.
Yes, it's okay, it's the weekend after all!
- Of course, but damn it, it’s cold in the forest!
Dear Santa Claus!
Last New Year I asked you for a boyfriend.
So, take this goat back and give me some tangerines instead!
“Come to my place to celebrate the New Year,” one friend invites another.
— Does your wife know?
Of course! Because of this, she gave me a huge scandal this morning.
After celebrating the New Year.
- Madam, could you show me the way home?
Can,
- How do you know where I live? Do we know each other?
Shut up, you idiot! I'm your wife!
A traffic cop stops a car that is speeding.
"Where are you going in such a hurry?" he asks the driver.
Home. We celebrated the New Year with friends, I was a little late.
The wife is worried.
- But it's May now.
That's why I'm in a hurry.
The men are discussing how each of them celebrated the New Year.
“Just as twelve o’clock struck,” says one, “I heard a knock on the door.”
I open it and there is Snegurochka.
Well, we really gave it some heat!
“And I,” another one joins in, as always, sucked in a couple of bubbles and went outside.
I wake up and there's a naked woman next to me!
Yes, all of her is so fluffy and white.
We also had a great time.
- Well, why are you so thoughtful?
I'm still trying to understand why the hell she had a bucket on her head and why she has a carrot nose.
Two friends meet:
- Hello! How are you? How did you celebrate the New Year?
Yeah. Nothing. In Japanese,
- In Japanese? How is that?
That's bad!
It's New Year, the apartment is decorated accordingly.
A little boy is asked:
— What usually happens under the Christmas tree?
The boy, whose parents are avid mushroom pickers, immediately says happily:
— Butterlets.
A man comes to get a job after the New Year and other holidays.
Got settled.
His office colleague takes him around, showing him where, what and how.
At the end of the tour the man asks:
— Where do you smoke?
Colleague:
— We don't smoke.
Man (surprised):
- Why?
Colleague (conspiratorially):
— We're afraid the fumes will detonate.
After celebrating the New Year, a drunk man approaches a policeman:
— Tell me, how can I get to the station?
Go straight ahead.
- Straight ahead? Well, that means I can't get there!
On New Year's Eve, a call to the emergency services:
- Excuse me, could you pick out a carnival costume for me?
Of course, what, are there problems?
— The thing is, I'm bald and I'm missing one leg.
Be a pirate - a wooden leg is what you need, and a cocked hat will cover your bald spot!
- Oh, I'm not aggressive at all.
Then be a monk - a cassock will cover your wooden leg, and a bald spot is just what you need!
- Oh, I don’t really feel like being a monk,
Well then pour a jar of honey on your bald head,
And stick a wooden leg up your ass - you'll be Chupa Chups!
Darling, what will you give me for the New Year?
- Of course myself, darling,
Indeed. After all, it is the year of the horse.
New Year's morning.
There is a note on the table:
Happy New Year, dear!
PS: The brine is in the refrigerator.
PPS: The refrigerator is in the kitchen.
And I put a present under the tree for my beloved for the New Year!
- And what about her?
And she’s still looking for him: the taiga is big!
How much time is left until New Year?
- Can't you see, exactly half a bottle!
On the morning of the first of January a cry is heard from the nursery:
- Mom, you promised that Santa Claus would give me a table football!
And there is nothing under the tree!
- Don't shout like that! I missed the goal because of you.
I want to go to Spain for New Year's and run from the bulls,
- And you go to a disco in Lyubertsy, push someone, and run.
Did you know,
That wasteful Italians throw old furniture out the windows on New Year's Eve?
And the cunning Jews pick it up and resell it to Russia.
People get drunk on New Year's Eve.
One man fell out of the window while drunk.
Everyone was scared - it was the eighth floor after all!
And he doesn’t give a damn, he gets up and says:
- Throw the accordion! What are you looking at? I'll play it now!
They threw me. Killed me with a button accordion.
On December 31st I really want to start a new life with the New Year!
And on January 1st we are not even able to continue the old one.
A man is sitting in a bar on New Year's Eve,
Suddenly he sees his friend come in with kefir and a glass and asks:
- Why are you here alone?
The man replies:
- Well, I decided to spend New Year's at a bar, sit down, let's have a drink!
No, I'd rather drink some kefir,
- What are you talking about? It's New Year's, after all.
So what, tell me, do you remember last New Year?
- Yes, I remember.
And I don't!
It was December 31st. About ten o'clock in the evening.
Let's go celebrate the New Year.
We are carrying three decent bags - it is clear what they contain.
Well, and of course, we ourselves are no longer completely sober.
And now, there are only 5 minutes left on the road, we are already anticipating the fun, and suddenly,
About ten meters away, a police car brakes gently.
A sergeant comes out from there and heads straight towards us.
Thoughts, naturally, are the darkest,
At best, he'll shake you out of money; at worst, you'll spend New Year's in a monkey house.
But when you meet him,
The sergeant approaches:
- Put your bags down! - we obediently put our bags down on the snow.
To my friend:
“Stretch out your hands,” he stretches out his hands.
- A handful! - he folds his hands in surprise.
The sergeant reaches into his pocket and pours a handful of candy into his hands.
After which he turns and walks towards the car.
He turns around from the car and says:
- Well, you are expecting some kind of miracle for the New Year!
Jokes about Santa Claus and Snow Maiden
Funny jokes about Santa Claus and Snow Maiden:
On December 31st, in the evening, the son comes to his mother and says:
- Come on, when it's half past 12, let's shout: New Year! New Year!
Why is this?
- Let our neighbors think that the New Year has come to us early.
After celebrating the New Year, two men meet:
- Well, how did you celebrate the holiday?
I don’t know, they haven’t told me about it yet.
I read so much about the dangers of alcohol and smoking that I decided to quit on New Year's Eve.
— What exactly: drinking or smoking?
Read.
The students decided to celebrate the New Year in an abandoned haunted castle.
One girl refuses:
— My mother doesn’t allow me to celebrate New Year’s with ghosts.
Why?
— At their work, one woman celebrated the New Year with a ghost,
So now he can’t get his child into kindergarten!
A little son asks his father:
- Dad, why did you hang the candies on the tree so high?
So that you don't get them before the New Year!
- So should I eat rain now?!
What are we going to do for New Year?
Drink vodka.
- Let's not turn a holiday into an ordinary day!
For some, New Year is the birth of a new year,
And for some, it’s the funeral of an old person.
The guests stayed too long for the New Year, and the hostess doesn’t know what to do.
Phone call.
She comes up and then an idea comes to her,
Comes back and yells:
- Fire, fire!
All:
— Who's on fire?
I didn't hear any of you.
But still, no matter what anyone says, Santa Claus's most convenient work schedule is every other day!
At five in the morning, there was a modest scratch on the door. I opened it and was shocked, a drunk Santa Claus was trying to crawl in.
- Mom, does Santa Claus put presents under every tree?
- Yes, Abramchik, under each one!
- Mom, why do we only put up one Christmas tree?
I hadn’t believed in Santa Claus for a long time, until I saw gifts from him to my wife on New Year’s: a set of chocolates, tangerines, champagne, a gold chain and a mink coat.
But doubts still creep in...
Why does Santa Claus give everything only to her?
We have a tradition in our office: before the New Year we hold a competition called “Where the hell did we put the Christmas tree decorations?!”
I won't prepare for MARCH 8! I was preparing and preparing for the New Year and met it ready...
— How about celebrating the New Year for 12 hours straight?
— I think it’s not bad... To do this, you need to board a plane in Petropavlovsk-Kamchatsky at 11:45 p.m. on December 31 and fly drunk to Moscow across all 12 time zones!
— Will you have enough health?
January 1st, evening:
- Kolyan, what happened to you today?
- What?
— I call you the first time, and some woman answers and tells me about the snow. I call the second time, and the policeman says you're under arrest. The third time, some thugs are looking for you for debts...
— Try calling on the phone, not from the TV remote control.
— Where will you celebrate New Year?
- We don't remember!! We'll be drunk!
Letter to Santa Claus:
"Grandfather Frost, I'm on a diet, and that's why I can't have sweets. Please send me a box of semi-sweet..."
New Year is when dads try to convince their children that he is Santa Claus, and their wives that he is not Santa Claus.
Hello, dear children! Snegurochka and I have come to you from the very North. To begin with, we have planned a poetry competition.
You will read poetry, and the winner will be the one who brings the corkscrew first.
Ninety-seven, ninety-eight, ninety-nine…
And before the New Year it was 90-60-90...
The very first country that Santa Claus comes to is China...
To load the bag with gifts.
Two actors work part-time as Santa Clauses on New Year's Eve. One asks the other:
- Listen, go to my family and congratulate them on the holiday.
- Why can't you do it yourself?
- Yes, I charge too much.
— What is the New Year holiday?
— Genocide of coniferous trees. People get drunk, get drunk and start
dance in circles around the decorated corpses of Christmas trees.
I realized that I had celebrated the New Year in a rather boring way when today, near the entrance, a completely blue body approached me with a question:
- What year is it today?!..
December 31st.
Optimist: - The New Year will be better than the old one.
Pessimist: - The New Year will be worse than the old one.
Realist: - Well, I'll get drunk again!
On a visit.
- Your wife has very original earrings. I've never seen anything like them.
- I just forgot to buy her a New Year's present. I had to give her my cufflinks.
— And one of them wrote a letter to Santa Claus: “Give me two young virgins for the New Year.” He was joking, you know…
- And what did Santa Claus give him?
- Of course! His secretary gave birth to twins...
Jokes about New Year's gifts
New Year 2025 jokes about gifts:
The only thing scarier than Friday the 13th is a working Saturday, December 31st!
If you wear something new on New Year's, the year will be successful. On New Year's Eve with a new thing, the whole year will be spent in new things. Dear Santa Claus, I don't need all the wishes I've made before, just give me a brain!!!
New Year is that time when you are happier to receive a call at 3am than to receive a call at 10am)
If you and your friends go to the bathhouse on New Year's Eve, it means you won't be able to wash off the rest of the year...
There is much more faith in Santa Claus than in the possibility of finding a job in your specialty.
I remember the times when snow in December was the norm, not a miracle.
If the first day of the new year is happy, then the whole year will be like that...
Dear Santa Claus, please don't put my present under the tree. Put it straight into the garage.
I gave my wife scales for New Year's, and the bitch gave me a tape measure.
I wrote a letter to Santa Claus... Gave it to my husband... I'm waiting...
Grandfather Frost, give me a Christmas tree, candy, tangerines and... for the New Year.
How you celebrate the New Year is what you deserve!
There's only... nothing left until the New Year! No rubles, no mood...
First he made a snow maiden, and then he made her a woman...
Grandfather Frost, beard made of cotton wool, I ask you to do it next year somehow without REINDEERS, okay?
Miracles happen on New Year's Eve - your mom doesn't notice that you're drunk, your dad doesn't see that you're smoking in front of his nose.
People whose status still says “Happy New Year!”, I’m even afraid to ask... Are you alive?
The best gift for the boss for the New Year is an “Indoor Mercury Fountain”.
New Year's jokes for adults
Very funny New Year's jokes for adults:
January 4th.
First day without Olivier salad.
It breaks incredibly.
Life stopped playing with colors.
The future no longer seems optimistic.
Depression is setting in.
The New Year crept up quietly, and my head was in disarray.
— Either old or new.
Just so long as it's not shitty.
Hello, Grandfather Frost, beard made of cotton wool!
— Give me a cartload of money and a house in the Caribbean!
Why did you decide that I would celebrate the New Year alone?
— I'll have herring under a fur coat, crab sticks and Olivier salad!
We celebrated the New Year with friends.
— The liver cried, the soul sang, the cockroaches danced!
Olivier salad, wine, solyanka,
Tangerines and compote.
This is not just a drinking bout,
It's New Year, brothers!
I came up with an awesome gift for myself for the New Year.
— I just haven’t figured out yet who would spend so much money on me.
How will you celebrate the New Year?
- Well, we bought carnival costumes and invited musicians.
Clear.
- We bought a case of vodka, we’ll improvise.
Only New Year gives us unforgettable impressions,
— Which are then impossible to remember.
A crowd gathered at the high-rise building,
Everyone looks up.
There is a man standing on the edge of the roof and about to jump down.
Suddenly one woman's nerves can't take it anymore and she starts screaming.
- Come on, you parasite, I'm late for work!
At the circus, the master of ceremonies makes an announcement.
— Now a boy with a phenomenal memory will enter the arena.
The boy comes out, drinks a bucket of water and leaves.
The hall is perplexed.
The master of ceremonies comes out again.
- And now this boy is going to piss all over the second row!
Everyone sitting in the second row starts running away.
The master of ceremonies continues.
- There's no point in running away, boy with a phenomenal memory!
The boss to his subordinate.
- Ivanov, you're fired!
Fired, strange, I thought that slaves were sold.
Koreans have bred a new breed of dog.
- Now with banana flavor!
And do you know,
Who was it that Robin Hood took money from the rich and gave it to the poor?
- And what did he live on?
The same applies to interest rates.
Lovers are lying in bed.
She, dreamily.
- Just imagine, darling, we'll get married someday.
He.
Who needs you and me?
The nuns found a condom.
“These are shoes,” says one.
No, it's a girl, says the other one.
We came to the abbess.
What, is this mother?
- This is palmistry.
How to catch a hare?
- You need to hide behind a tree and make a carrot sound.
Young woman,
When you smile, I have a great desire to invite you to my place.
- What an intriguer you are!
What are you saying, I'm a dentist.
Two people are sitting in a bar, very drunk.
- You know, old man, it’s time for me to go.
How far is it for you?
- No, right here on Stroiteley.
I also live on Stroiteley, in the fourth building.
- But we are neighbors, I am in the second apartment on the first.
I don't understand, I'm also in the second!
- Misha?!
Dad.
Please give me two tickets for the kissing seats.
- Young man, today is a horror movie!
It's okay, I'm with the ugly one.
Jokes for a New Year's corporate party
Jokes for the New Year 2025 for a corporate party:
When going to corporate events, remember that you still have to work with these people...
The wife is getting ready for a New Year's corporate ball. In order not to drag everything with her in the morning, she calls her husband and dictates what she should bring to work for the ball in the evening:
— … shoes — they’re near the nightstand in the bedroom, don’t forget your cosmetic bag — on the mirror and your ball gown.
The husband is indignant:
- What kind of ball gown is this!?!?!!
At a corporate party, one employee, after drinking heavily, declares:
- Well, I see that everyone is bored, let me do something, for example, a low break - lie down on the floor and... fall asleep.
- Our people have unique abilities!
— For example, resurrecting after a corporate party...
We have a running line on the façade of the bank.
Yesterday after the corporate party we sang karaoke on it...
A corporate party is either boring or embarrassing!
At the corporate party:
- Natasha, say a toast.
- I haven’t prepared, so I’ll speak long and pointlessly...
After the prom queen was chosen at the corporate party, she immediately ordered the head of the boss to be cut off...
We had so much fun at the New Year's corporate party that we still haven't found a webcam
we can't. It's broadcasting from somewhere under the table.
Discussion of the past corporate event:
- And what time did you break up?
— I left closer to twelve, and left at three o’clock...
Options for a New Year's corporate party from our restaurant: Premium - 5,000 rubles per person Standard - 3,000 rubles per person Economy - 1,000 rubles per person
At the New Year's corporate party.
- Semyon, leave me alone, you're not my type!
- Lyusenka, just try...
The boss opened the office with a key in the morning. He sees that a man is already sitting at one of the desks. Boss:
— It's the end of the month, decided to push harder, worked all night?
- No. After yesterday's corporate party, I was forgotten in the toilet and locked in.
Yesterday there was a corporate party,
I added the accountant to the asset list.
— Today Medvedev and Putin have a corporate party.
- Which one is this?
— Congress of United Russia.
Children conceived at a corporate party automatically become employees of the company.
I came home after the corporate party... Paul happily threw himself on my chest.
— The most influential person after a corporate party is the one with the photos...
At IKEA, after a corporate party, the drunkest employees come up with names for the new sofas.
At one o'clock in the morning, the husband calls his wife on her mobile phone, who is out partying at a corporate event:
- Hello, Lucy?
- Max, hi! It's me, Marina!
- What about Lucy?
- She's sleeping, call in a couple of hours.
— Is she unwell?
- No, Max, she's fine...
A beautiful blonde with size four breasts who accidentally dropped in on a corporate party ruined the mood of the entire female half of the team.
Pre-New Year corporate party in the company office. Everyone has already received, danced, and the especially advanced have retired... From the corner the voices of two young employees are heard:
- Ah, Kolya, Kolya... You've never loved me so well... M-M-M... A-A-A... Maybe it's because there's a holiday coming soon???
“No,” the young man answers embarrassedly, “rather because I’m not Kolya.”
Several drunk girls approach a sober colleague at the end of a corporate party:
- Romik, could you take us home?
- No... I'm not divorced.)))
A husband brought his wife to a corporate party. Wife: "Who is that, the woman in red?" Husband: "The boss's mistress." "And the plump one? "The chief accountant's mistress." And the one in yellow? "The head of the department's mistress." And this one, the slender blonde? The husband forgot himself: "And this is my mistress!" Wife proudly: "Ours is the best!!!"
Jokes and gags about January 1st
Funny jokes about January 1, 2024:
January 1st is a blue day on the calendar!
Technologists from the Kristal plant have proven that on the morning of January 1st, your head hurts from tangerines!!!
Forecasters warn: on January 1, the emission of fumes into the atmosphere will significantly exceed the average daily norm….
January 1 is "Independence Day of the Musculoskeletal System". Citramon has long been considered the patron saint of the holiday. The holiday begins at 8 p.m. The signal for the beginning of the holiday is a phone call with the question "What happened yesterday?"
The morning of January 1st resembles scenes from Resident Evil... The wind throws papers across the deserted streets, cars hardly move and lonely zombies move, swaying slightly and mooing inarticulately... Happy new year!
You never know what date it will be on the morning of January 1st.
You're walking around the house on January 1st, and your slippers stick to the floor.
January 1st. Sofa. Refrigerator. Sofa. Refrigerator. Sofa.
January 1st is VALENTINE'S DAY for mineral water!
January 1st. Last night some guy congratulated the whole country on the New Year and said that we will live better. Thank you, kind person!
Why doesn't Santa Claus walk around with a bag of mineral water on January 1st?
Judging by the way Russians walk on the morning of January 1, you are convinced that the Earth is spinning. And even too much.
January 1st. In all apartments of the country. Premiere of the science fiction thriller: "Liver. Thank you for being alive!"
The New Year has already passed – but the head is not here…
On the morning of January 1st. I look into the fridge and see all the food from last year...
The President's most secret decree is called "On ensuring at least some defense capability of the country at 5 o'clock in the morning on January 1 of each year."
On January 1st I will wake up on January 2nd
The most useful thing TV channels can do for adults on January 1 is to show cartoons for children all day long.
The morning of January 1st... at this time in the country more than half of the windows are fogged up...
Borjomi is the sponsor of January 1st!
Morning of January 1st: difficult choice: pickle or beer
January 1st, morning. A man gets up, staggers into the kitchen. He turns on the tap and drinks greedily. - Wife - Get up!! Wake up the kids!! - Husband - Try it, the water is delicious!
January 1st. A cop stops a car.
— Did you drink?
- No.
- Why?!
The shortest day of the year is January 1st, you wake up and it’s already dark outside…
How artists love to spin stories about how they are at a concert on January 1st at 9 o'clock in the morning... Who are they telling this to? Can you imagine even one spectator who would be at a performance on January 1st at 9 o'clock in the morning?
The most delicious water is on January 1st!
January 1st is when the day is like one big morning!
On the first of January at ten in the morning there was a phone call.
- Hello, who is this?
— Hello, this is a New Year’s social survey.
Now guess what 99% respondents answered.
A telephone survey conducted on the morning of January 1 yielded the following results: 2% - "yes?" 3% - "hello?" 95% - found it difficult to answer
The New Year was a success if you feel ashamed on January 1st, but don’t remember in front of whom…
On January 1, the nationwide premiere of the blockbuster “Daytime Zhor” took place in Russia, which became a natural continuation of the sensational “Night Zhor”.
January 1st is when you sign up for VKontakte and out of 300 friends, only 10 are online. Why? - They don't drink.
— What is the difference between a Russian cat and a European one?
— The fact that the Russian cat understands at the genetic level that meowing and asking for food on the morning of January 1st is not only absolutely useless, but also life-threatening...
Yakubovich January 1: “Bring the first three players into the studio…”
January 1st. Time to get up for dinner.
On January 1st, even my computer started up slowly...
Children's jokes for the New Year
New Year 2025 jokes for children:
Ethiopia's New Year: Starving children gather under
bush waiting for Santa Claus. Santa Claus appears, congratulates the children on the holiday and is about to fly away.
- Grandfather Frost, what about the presents?
— And gifts only for those who ate well.
Little brothers and sisters are making a snowman. The boy says:
- Well, that's it, almost ready. I'll run to the kitchen and get some carrots.
Sister:
- Take two, we'll make his nose too.
Two students are walking. They see a stick of smoked sausage on a rope on a balcony on the 5th floor. One stays on guard, the other climbs up the balconies. A policeman approaches the one below.
- Why are you standing here?
- Yes, here - (points to the second one) - we hang up gifts for the New Year.
- But it's June now!
- Yes? Vasooooook! Take off the sausage and get off, idiot, I told you that New Year's is in winter!
There were two children in the family - one a pessimist, and the other an optimist. New Year was approaching. The parents decided to "level them out", so that there would be less extremes, and prepared gifts: a horse for the pessimist, and a pile of horse manure for the optimist. In the morning the children woke up...
Pessimist:
- Hyyy, a horseyyyy... It's small, but I wanted a big one... It's brown, but I wanted a gray one with dapples... It's woodeny ...
Optimist:
- And mine is alive! She just ran away!
The guests stayed too long for the New Year, and the hostess doesn’t know what to do.
The phone rings. She comes up and then has an idea… She comes back and yells: - Fire, fire! Everyone:
— Who's on fire?
- I didn't hear... from one of you.
- Santa Claus, thank you for the gift you brought me.
- It's nothing, no need to thank me.
- I think so too, but my mother told me to say so.
MaryVanna is crucifying herself before the fifth “B”:
— What tense is this: “he cleans, she cleans, you clean…”?
Little Johnny, thoughtfully:
- It must be pre-New Year.
How is our Father Frost different from their Santa Claus?
Theirs is always sober and alone, and ours is always drunk and with some girl.
Armenian Radio is asked: - How to tell a snowman from a snow woman? - Very simple, you need to look where the kids stuck the carrot.
There are three people standing at a bus stop. One is wearing shoes, a light coat and a hat, another is wearing boots, a winter coat, and the third is wearing a sheepskin coat and felt boots. The one in shoes is waving his arms and stamping his feet:
- What a frost! About 40 degrees, right...
“Forty is not forty,” says the one in boots, “but 25 will be.” The man in the sheepskin coat:
- Come on, no more than 10 degrees!
— What do Eskimos teach their children from the first steps?
- You can't eat yellow snow! Never eat yellow snow!
On New Year's Eve, a mother persuades her little son to go to bed:
- Look, the women on TV are already undressing...
Winter. A snail is crawling on a cherry tree. A worm asks her:
- It's still cold now, there are no berries yet, why are you crawling up this tree? And she replies:
— I'll just make it by summer.
Mother to son: - Who taught you to say "Damn it?"
- Father Frost.
- Don't lie.
- I swear! He came last night with a gift for me, hit the corner of the table, and said just that.
Santa Claus comes to a psychiatrist and says: - Doctor, help me! I don't believe in myself.
A black man returns to his homeland after studying in Russia. The tribesmen who have surrounded him ask:
- Hy, how do you like the famous Russian winter?
— The one with grass and leaves is still bearable. But the one with SNOW is just a nightmare...
Two friends meet and one says to the other:
- You know, I have bedbugs in my sofa, I tried everything to kill them, but nothing helps.
— Have you tried putting the sofa outside, in the coldest weather… it should help?
— It doesn’t help, the bugs bring the sofa back…
A man is walking down the street and sees a woman sitting in a puddle.
- Why are you sitting in a puddle?
- Or maybe I'm the SNOW MAIDEN, or maybe I melted!
“Santa Claus, please give me a Lego set,” Yas shouts.
“Don’t shout so much, Santa Claus will hear even a whisper,” his mother reassures him.
- Yes, but dad locked himself in his room and might not have heard.
In kindergarten:
- My dad is very afraid of Santa Claus.
- Why did you decide so?
- Because when Santa Claus comes, I can’t find dad.
- Honey, have you fed the fish?
- No, but I congratulated them on the New Year!
The hare, threatening the snowman with a hair dryer:
— Carrot or your life!
Piglet came to Winnie the Pooh to celebrate the New Year. Naturally, with a gift.
- Here you go, Vinnie, a useful thing - a cell phone.
- Well, thanks, buddy!
The next day, Winnie the Pooh meets Piglet.
- What did you give me yesterday???
— A-a-a cell phone…
— I spent three hours picking, broke my phone – no honeycombs, no honey!
From whom did you hear this terrible word? - the mother attacks her son.
- From Santa Claus, Mom.
- Can't be!
- Maybe! He said this when Petka hit him in the eye with a snowball!
- Son! Who taught you such a terrible word?
- Santa Claus, Mommy, when he tripped over my bike in my room at night...
- Dad, guess which gift is the most late?
- Which one, son?
- The one you promised to give me last New Year.
Оставить Комментарий